"I went to bed so early I'm awake already?" Dawn offered.
"Um, no. Something's going on with you, Dawn, and I want you to tell me what it is now."
Dawn glanced at her watch. 1:55… "Can it wait until the morning?"
Emma shook her head. "No. You've been acting like an insane person all week, Dawnie. I'm your best friend, and if you're up to no good, then I have every right to know what that no good is. Now spill."
"Fine," Dawn relented. "But this is going to be quick, and it's going to be inside."
Emma pushed her front door open and waved her hand in front of her. "After you."
As soon as Emma shut the door behind them, Dawn let out a heavy sigh. "I've snuck out every night for the past week to meet Andrew."
"You what!?" Emma exclaimed, her dark brown eyes bugging. "Please tell me you're kidding."
Dawn looked sheepish. "No. I really have."
"Okay, and I'm going to be blunt here when I ask, what the hell? And isn't he engaged?"
"I know! And it hasn't been, well, we haven't done anything. It's innocent, really, Just talking."
"Yeah, 'cause you gotta sneak around and lie to your best friend to do something innocent."
Dawn groaned and leaned against the wall. "I know, I know. And I also know I shouldn't be doing it, but I can't stop myself. It's just for a little bit, never more than about half an hour."
"Where do you meet him?" Emma asked.
"The courtyard. It was an accident the first time," Dawn said.
"What do you talk about?"
"Just…things," Dawn replied. "He's been having a hard time coping with everything that happened to him when he was gone, and I think it helps him to have someone to talk to."
"And that person has to be you?"
"I guess not, but…" Dawn sighed. "I really don't know what to say, Em. I know I shouldn't be meeting him, and every single time I tell myself I'm going to stop, but I can't."
"Are you still in love with him?"
Dawn hung her head and said softly, almost a whisper, "Yes."
Emma moved closer to Dawn and put her hand on her shoulder. "I know it's hard, but if you two are really over, and he's really going to marry that other woman, you've got to cut this off now. Even if there's nothing going on, it's the sort of thing that leads to more, and you're going to get in over your head."
"You're right. God, this sucks so much." Dawn held her head up. "I'll stop it. Tonight. I'll go down there, and I'll tell him we can't anymore."
"It's the right thing to do, Dawn," Emma told her. "And it'll get better—eventually."
"I know. I'll talk to you tomorrow, all right?"
"Yeah, okay. Let me know how it goes?"
"I will."
Dawn took a deep breath and walked out of the flat. Emma was right. And she could do it…
*** *** ***
She couldn't do it. The moment Dawn walked into the courtyard and saw Andrew, all of her strength was gone. He seemed so lost, so tired, and she knew that if she took this away from him, it would break him even more.
Dawn knew she shouldn't care. He'd brought the last three years of tortures on himself, and broken her heart while he was at it. Any suffering he was doing now wasn't her problem. He could go back to seeing a therapist, and it would be better all the way around.
But she had been telling the truth when she told Emma she still loved him. She didn't want to and she hated that she did, but she did all the same. And because of that, she couldn't walk away. She just couldn't…
The only time she ever saw him smile anymore was whenever he'd first see her. It was always quick, but it was a smile nonetheless, and she wanted to give that to him.
Dawn sat beside him on the bench and resisted the urge she always had to rest her head on his shoulder. Keeping her hands to herself was always a challenge with him, but she knew it was a line they couldn't cross. And aside from that second night when she was sure he'd almost kissed her, it was something they'd successfully avoided.
"How was your day today?" Dawn asked. It had become their standard way of beginning their conversations, and she didn't feel like changing it tonight.
Andrew shrugged. "All right, I guess. Uneventful. I actually got a little bit of rest when I felt asleep on my desk."
Dawn half-smiled. "That's good. You need more rest."
"Times when I can find it are few and far between these days," Andrew replied. "The nightmares I'm having now are worse than anything I had when I was actually there. It's like my mind's so used to me facing horrible stuff every day that now that I'm not, it feels like it has to make it up for me."
"Have you started seeing anyone about them?" Dawn asked him. "Maybe you could look in to finding something you could take to help you sleep."
"I've thought about it, but I haven't." He looked down at the ground, away from her. "Cynthia's sorta down on psychiatry and meds. She thinks people should just suck it up and handle their problems on their own."
"I'm not sure it would do any good anyway. I think I'm beyond help."
"No you're not," Dawn said, resisting the urge to soothe him with her hand against his back. She'd learned in their short time together how much a touch could mean to him, even beyond the sexual. He needed contact, needed love shown to him in every way possible. It killed her that she couldn't give that to him now.
"Why do you come out here?"
His sudden question threw Dawn for a moment, and she hurried to collect her thoughts and form an answer. "To talk to you," she said finally.
"But why? I'm worth even less of your time now than I was in Rome. And you can't possibly be getting anything out of coming outside at two every morning to listen to me whine about my life."
"You're not whining," Dawn replied. "And I don't mind listening to you at all. I'm glad I can give you someone to talk to. I enjoy spending time with you, even now. I've always liked you, Andrew." At his raised eyebrow, she giggled and said, "Okay, not always. But for a long time. And…and I missed you, when you were gone. I missed being around you."
"I missed being around you, too. Sometimes I'd start thinking about you, and the fact that I wasn't with you would make me hurt in the pit of my stomach," Andrew admitted. "I didn't have nightmares there. I'd dream that I was with you, and then I'd wake up alone. In some ways, I think that might have been worse."
Dawn swallowed. She didn't know what to say to that.
"I should go back in," Andrew said. "I think Cynthia's starting to notice when I'm gone. Maybe I should take up smoking so I'd have a real excuse to be out here."
"You did try a pipe at one point," Dawn pointed out, her smile almost teasing.
Andrew snorted. "God, don't remind me of that." He cleared his throat and asked her the same thing he did every night. "Will you be here tomorrow?"
Dawn answered with what she knew was the truth, even though it probably shouldn't be. "Yes."
Andrew replied with a small nod and walked back into the building.
*** *** ***
Andrew didn't like the break room. It always smelled like too many kinds of food at once and there always seemed to be someone in there chattering away about something inane. He'd found since he'd come back that he had very little tolerance for talking about things that didn't matter. He was aware of the irony given his track record, but he didn't care. He wasn't that person anymore anyway.
Who he was, was still up in the air, but he was trying hard not to dwell on that. Not that he was succeeding, but he was trying.
Today's inane chatter was apparently centered on which of the Slayers were the most shag-worthy. Andrew really hoped that none of the three young Watchers that were currently engaged in that conversation were talking about Slayers they were in charge of. It was bothering him enough without that extra aspect.
He stirred cream into his tea and tried to ignore the conversation when a bit of it pulled him right back in.
"Forget the Slayers. I'll tell you who around here I could go all night long with. Dawn Summers."
"Only if you've got a death wish, mate. She's got a Slayer for a sister and an overprotective big brother-in-law who could turn your spine into his belt."
"I'd take the risk. With legs like that… And bloody hell, those tits of hers. Bet she's a screamer, too. And from what I hear, she's not the kind of girl you'd have to worry about calling again either."
Andrew didn't fully realize what he was doing until he'd already thrown the punch and the other Watcher was already on the ground. Not that he felt particularly bad about it…
"Sodding hell!" the Watcher Andrew had just punched yelled as he wiped at his newly broken nose. "What was that for?"
"I hear you talking about Dawn like that again, and you won't have to worry about Spike killing you. I'll do it for him."
Andrew stormed out of the break room, leaving behind a trio of stunned Watchers.
*** *** ***
"You are such a hussy."
Dawn looked up sharply as Emma walked into her living room. "Huh?"
"Hussy—you, big one," Emma said as she flopped down onto Dawn's couch.
"What did I do?" Dawn asked.
"Oh, don't play innocent," Emma replied. "For one thing, you and I both know that you didn't tell Andrew you're going to stop meeting him."
"How in the world would you know if I did or didn't?" Dawn asked her. "We haven't talked since then!"
Emma rolled her eyes. "'Cause I'm not an idiot, that's why. And you two are sooo not just friends either, or whatever you're telling yourself. Word on the Slayery grapevine is he broke a guy's nose this morning defending your honor."
"What?!" Dawn screeched. "That cannot be true."
"I saw the guy myself. Big ol' bandage on his nose. I mean, I didn't really care, 'cause it was that dick of a Watcher, Cranston, but still…"
"Okay, there are like a million ways Cranston could've gotten his nose broken. I've had to refrain a few times myself. It didn't have to be Andrew going all…"
"Jealous boyfriend?" Emma supplied.
"No!" Dawn insisted. "I wasn't going to say that."
Emma's eyebrow went up. "So what were you going to say then?"
"I don't know," Dawn admitted in a small voice.
"You're sad," Emma said with a snort.
"Ugh." Dawn banged her head on the back of the couch. "I just wish I could figure out what it is, you know? Why I can't get over him. If I could just pinpoint what makes me keep holding on to him, I could get over it and let go."
"Is he big?"
Dawn frowned. "Big? What do you mean?" Emma wiggled her eyebrows and Dawn's eyes bugged as she realized what her friend was implying. "Emma!" she yelled, smacking her on the arm. "And you call me the hussy!"
"It's a valid question!" Emma said. "It's hard to give up the ones that can hit all the right places."
Dawn turned bright red and buried her face in her hands. After a moment, she peeked up. "Yes. But that's sooo not why."
"I bet it's got something to do with it," Emma insisted, her expression now a teasing one. "If he was all tiny and bad in bed, I bet you would've gotten over him in a snap."
"Gee, thank you ever so much for your insight."
"It's true! Ask any woman about the man she still pines for, and I bet you almost every single time she'll tell you she didn't need a magnifying glass to find it."
"I am so not talking about this anymore," Dawn said, trying unsuccessfully to fight her blush. "And you're evil."
"Hey, you're the one sneaking out to meet an almost married man and lying to your best friend about it," Emma pointed out. "I think a little harassment is more than fair now."
"You're right. And I'm a horrible person."
Emma's expression softened. "No, just in love. Which tends to make people act horrible, but hey, we all do it."
Dawn flopped back against the couch again. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't see him. I can't stop seeing him. I want to hate him, but I love him. It's such a mess."
"I know. And if I had a way to find the answer for you, I would." Emma pulled back, a twinkle in her eyes. "So how big exactly?"
Dawn's only response was to toss a throw pillow from the couch at her friend.
*** *** ***