Buffy had brought them up sandwiches, and Connor had eaten, though it had seemed mechanical, no emotion on his face as he ate. The rest of the time, he'd stared forward blankly.
Anne stayed curled up next to him, even if he didn't really acknowledge her presence. She didn't want to leave his side—didn't want to leave him alone.
It was a long time before he finally met her eyes, and he searched her face before he spoke. "What…what happened to me?"
Anne swallowed. Part of her was thrilled just to hear his voice, but the pain in it cut her to the quick. "There was a portal, and…"
"No," Connor said, shaking his head. "I know that part. After that…after I came back here. I was there for a long time and it…changed me. But now it feels like those are the old memories, not the ones that I know should feel like a long time ago by now."
"You weren't gone long, not in this dimension anyway," Anne said as she tried to come up with a way to explain things. "But it was a long time for you and, well, your memories were all mixed up. You didn't remember anything but that place."
Connor nodded slightly. He knew that part was true. Apparently whatever had been done to him had only pushed back the memories of his actual time in hell. The ones since he'd returned still felt as recent as they were. He could remember what it was like to have no idea who or what he really was, to have forgotten what it was to even be human. "Why am I remembering things the way I am now?"
Anne looked down, unable to meet his eyes. "They…they did a spell. It…it restructured your memories."
Connor sucked in a deep breath, Anne's words hitting him hard. A memory spell… As if he hadn't had enough of those in his life. He tried to remember a spell being done on him, went back over the past couple of days, but there was nothing. "When?"
"You…you were asleep. They didn't think…they didn't think you'd go along so they…"
"Stop saying 'they.'"
Anne's head came up at Connor's harsh tone. "Connor?"
"You were there, too," he snapped. "It was when you woke me up and told me to get dressed but we weren't going downstairs, wasn't it? Wasn't it?!"
Anne nodded, tears forming in her eyes. "I'm sor…"
Connor cut her off. "Don't say you're sorry. Don't." He jumped off the bed and started pacing. "You…you helped them violate my mind while I was sleeping! How could you do that to me?"
"No! It wasn't like that! I...I didn't know it was going to be like this! I thought it would be easier, that it would help you!"
"Oh, like you even cared."
Anne pulled back, her eyes growing wide in surprise. "What? How can you say that to me?"
"I know I was getting on your nerves, the way I was. I can remember that part, too. You were willing to do whatever it took to not have to deal with that anymore!"
"No!" Anne yelled again. "Connor, I was tired and stressed, but I swear, I never wanted to do anything that would hurt you! I knew I shouldn't let them do that to you, but I didn't know what else to do, and Cordelia made it sound like it was going to make things better for you, and I'm so sorry. I am. I just wanted you to be okay."
"Well, I was okay! I was more 'okay' than I've ever been in my life. All this that I have in my head now, it was gone—all forgotten. Every painful thing I've ever suffered through was a long-lost memory. All I cared about, all that mattered to me was you, was being with you. But I was just a burden."
"You weren't. You weren't! Connor, I swear, I…"
"Save it. I'll just give you what you wanted."
"What…what do you mean by that?"
"I'll leave you alone," Connor replied before he stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him hard enough to crack the plaster of the wall.
Anne buried her head in her hands and sobbed.
*** *** ***
All eyes turned to Connor as he stormed into the lobby, went to the weapons cabinet, and threw open the door.
"Connor?" Angel said hesitantly as he took a step towards him.
"Don't talk to me, Angel," Connor snapped, not turning to look at his father.
Angel stopped in his tracks. "Connor…"
"I said, don't talk to me." Connor grabbed what he wanted and slammed the door to the cabinet, turning on his heel and going for the door of the hotel.
Angel moved in front of him, blocking his way. "I can't do that. We need to talk about…about what happened. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Connor said tersely. "Now get out of my way."
"Where are you going?"
"Find something to destroy," Connor replied, his tone bitter. He pushed Angel back and made his way around the vampire.
"Connor!" Angel called after him. "Wait, don't just…"
Connor stopped and turned around sharply. "What do you want out of me, Angel? A deep, heartfelt talk and a hug?"
"I just want to know if you're all right."
Connor laughed softly, though it held no amusement. "This is the second time in my life that you've decided it's your place to dictate what my memories should or shouldn't be and let someone screw with my mind, and you want to know if I'm all right? If I'm just what, okay with the fact that you think you have the right to keep doing this to me, to put me in the position to doubt what's real and what's fake inside my own head?"
"This wasn't like the other time!" Angel insisted. "Nothing was changed, all of your memories are real, they're just—moved around."
"Gee, thanks. That makes it all better. Because all these memories that are so fresh and clear in there now, they're really the ones I wanted. It isn't like I pushed them all back on purpose or anything."
Angel looked genuinely surprised at that. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, Connor."
"Angel, if you don't want to hurt me, then the best thing you can do is stay the hell away from me. That's worked the best in the past." Connor turned around and left the hotel, not looking back again.
*** *** ***
Anne hadn't stopped crying since Connor had left her, the pain in her chest making her wonder if maybe her heart was truly physically breaking. She struggled to breathe, every piece of her aching.
How could she have been so stupid? She'd known what this would do to Connor, she'd known. And yet, she'd sat by and let them do that spell on him, let them mix up his memories, making him relive old pain and suffering all over again.
He was right to be so angry with her. She'd felt like she was betraying him at the time, and she felt that way even more now. She'd known in her heart it wasn't the right thing to leap into something like this, even without knowing exactly what the spell would do to him. She should have trusted her gut, made them hold off until they were certain anything they did wouldn't hurt Connor any more than he already had been hurt.
But had Connor been right when he'd accused her of going along with it just so she wouldn't have the burden of caring for him anymore? She didn't think so, but her own thoughts and feelings were so jumbled up now she wasn't even sure. Had a part of her simply been so desperate for freedom that she'd been willing to do whatever it took to bring Connor back to what he had been, regardless of the costs?
Anne didn't look up when she heard the door open, but when she felt the bed dip and a familiar arm wrap around her, she leaned over, burying her face against her mother. Buffy held her in a soft embrace, stroking her daughter's hair as the girl cried.
Finally, Anne pulled up and wiped her eyes. "I messed up, Mom. I messed up really bad."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Buffy asked.
Anne nodded. "I don't really know what to say, though. It just…all of it happened so fast. Did Connor leave?"
"Yeah," Buffy said, wincing at the flash of pain her affirmative answer put on Anne's face. "He'll probably be back, though. I think he was just looking to work off some tension. Then you two can talk it all out."
"I don't think so," Anne said as she shook her head. "He feels like I betrayed him, and I did."
"No, sweetie, you didn't," Buffy said. "He's just confused about everything."
"No. I…I let Angel take him, do that spell on him when he was unconscious, and I knew that Connor wouldn't like that."
"But you also thought it would help him in the long run," Buffy replied.
"Maybe. I didn't know. I didn't know what to do."
"None of us did," Buffy said. "There were plusses and minuses to doing that spell now. For one thing, the longer we waited, the less likely it became that it would be effective."
"He didn't want it," Anne said. "He didn't want to remember."
"He's adjusting." Buffy smoothed down Anne's hair. "He's making a very hard transition, and there was no way this was going to be a breeze, believe me. But it'll get better. Even painful memories soften over time, and Connor will learn to live with them. It's not easy and it's not fair, but it's what we have to do sometimes. And he won't have to go through it alone either." She leaned in and kissed her daughter's forehead. "He'll have you."
"I don't think he wants me anymore," Anne said, her body trembling at the words. "The look in his eyes when I told him what had happened—I don't think he'll ever forgive me for my part in that."
Buffy wished there was something she could say, something she could do, to take this pain away from her child. She'd never wanted her babies to experience the heartache she had in the past, but when she looked at Anne now, she could see herself so many years ago, broken by the loss of her first love. "Maybe he just needs some space," Buffy said. "A little time to work things out in his mind, and then he'll see he still wants to be with you."
Anne shook her head again. "It's too much. He told me before that this wasn't going to work out, and now I'm beginning to see that he was right. And it doesn't matter what I feel or what any stupid prophecy may or may not say, some things just can't be worked through. There's too much standing between us, especially now."
Buffy frowned. She'd never seen Anne take such a defeatist attitude about anything, the young woman usually willing to run herself repeatedly into a brick wall before she admitted there wasn't a door. A bit like her father in that way, Buffy thought with an almost smile. "Can you be sure about that?" Buffy asked. "Are you really ready to just let go of him?"
Anne's lip trembled, but she didn't start crying again. "I've done enough here already. I think…I think it's time for us to go back home."
"Anne, we don't have to. We can stay in L.A. a few more days, see if…"
Anne cut her off. "No. There's nothing left for me here. I want to go home."
Buffy let out a deep breath, knowing there was no way she could convince Anne to wait around Los Angeles a little bit longer and see how things went with Connor. "Okay then. We'll go home in the morning."
"Good. I just want to forget this place. All of it," Anne said, though her words lacked conviction.
Buffy hugged Anne again, squeezing her tight. "It'll be okay, baby. Eventually it won't hurt so much."
"I hope so," Anne replied, "because I can't take much more of this."
"I know," Buffy said softly, dropping a kiss on the top of Anne's head. "I know."
*** *** ***